Part one…

After our amazing engagement in Paris we enjoyed a lovely Christmas together and I was in full wedding planning mode. I had spreadsheets coming out of my ears and would wake up in the night in a cold sweat worrying about wedding centrepieces, I was loving it.

In the February of 2011 I realised I was a little late and after doing a pregnancy test at work in the toilet I discovered I was pregnant. I waited until we were half way home stuck in traffic to drop the bombshell on Mr A, he was just as surprised as I was.  We were due to get married in 6 months and all I could think about was how my beautiful dress would look terrible with a bump! This was followed by other shockingly selfish thoughts like;
My hen party in Ibiza is going to be really dull.
I’m not going to be able to drink champagne on my wedding day.
We are not going to be able to have the honeymoon I have dreamed of.
We didn’t speak about it that night. The next morning after a very restless nights sleep I turned to Mr A and told him how happy I was to be pregnant and how special it would be to get married knowing I have a little life growing inside me. Those selfish thoughts were a million miles away and we couldn’t be more excited. We hugged and started discussing baby names, this was perfect.
In the weeks that followed I changed the size of my wedding dress from a size 8 to a 12, changed plans for my hen holiday to Ibiza which myself and my bridesmaid decided would be a relaxing chilled holiday where I would float around the pool while my friends drank my share of the rum. Then planned to moved from our flat to a bigger house with a garden.
All a little premature but I didn’t care, I was just so swept up in the excitement and thoughts of how in 7 months I would have the prefect little family I has always dreamed of that it didn’t occur to me that anything could go wrong.
Apart from being an emotional  wreck and napping at every available second the first few weeks seemed to be going ok. One night when we were due to have an evening out with friends I noticed I was bleeding, so after a quick google search and a call to NHS direct we found it could be a number of things and I was to just keep an eye on things. Looking back now after going through another pregnancy I think I knew that something wasn’t right.
My ten week scan was due the following week but the early pregnancy unit brought me in for a scan straight away. I think I knew as soon as I arrived that it wasn’t going to be good news, no heartbeat could be found but we were told to leave it another week until my scheduled scan as it could just be too early and my dates could be wrong. As soon as we left the hospital I knew that it wasn’t wrong dates, I had miscarried and we were devastated.
In the next week all I could think about was the horrible thoughts I had at the start of the pregnancy. Had I wished for it to go away so I could enjoy my wedding and was I being punished for being so selfish?
After what felt like the longest week ever I returned to the hospital for the conformation that I had a miscarriage. Another opinion was needed as things didn’t look normal , there were other clots and the newly qualified radiographer hasn’t seen anything like this before. After more tests and a scan from a specialist it was confirmed that I had a molar pregnancy and I was sent home with a date for an operation to remove it.
We went home confused and emotional and made the stupid mistake of doing a google search on ‘Molar pregnancy’ we discovered loads of information and some really helpful websites but the few things that really stood out for me were;
CANCER
CHEMOTHERAPY
NO MORE PREGNANCIES
Shit.
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3 thoughts on “Part one…

  1. Kim you are so brave telling everyone about the trauma you went through. Raising awareness and knowing other bereaved parents are not alone is so important. Looking forward to reading the rest 🙂

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