I write this from the bathtub where I have come to hide from all the mirrors in my house.
While we were moving house we stored some boxes at my parent’s house which my dad dropped off this morning. As I opened each box it was like Christmas morning, beautiful summer dresses, expensive shoes, bikinis, fancy underwear and handbags I had completely forgotten about.
With our holiday in two weeks I quickly stripped down to my underwear in front of the giant mirrored wardrobe and began trying on various day/evening looks for the holiday.
My excitement of discovering the garments was short lived when I nearly pulled off a chunk of under arm skin trying to zip up a dress.
Ouch…lets try another. That one was always a little snug.
Shit, it must have shrunk in the wash.
How about this. …Jesus. Must be the bra I’m wearing.
Ooo I love this one. Wait, think I borrowed this off my size 8 friend.
Here we go. Ah perfect. Hold on. This is a maternity dress.
*cue massive tantrum where head gets stuck in said dress, I get a massive sweat on and nearly knock myself out on giant mirrored wardrobe trying to climb out of it*
After my traumatising try on I decide to head down to the kitchen where I do a minesweep of all fatty foods I can find and place them in a big bag which I will get Mr A to hide from me later.
I can’t help but think I may have left this weight loss malarkey a little late but I just love food and am far too busy/can’t really be bothered to go to the gym. So my next mission is planning just how exactly I plan to loose this weight in two weeks- Google will know…
”how much weight can you lose in 2 weeks”
I have so far come up with the following ideas;
Live on broccoli and celery and exercise for two hours a day. This wouldn’t work for a number of reasons including the fact that I hate both of these things and I’m too lazy to go to the gym.
Special K diet; Drop a dress size in two weeks if I replace my breakfast and lunch/dinner with those cardboard pieces drenched in that red top milk that tastes like cloudy dish water. No, too much commitment.
Cabbage soup diet; Tried this in school with my girlfriends. I lasted 6 hours before the bottom burps kicked in and it made me vom.
For round the pool I could just wear my skinny jeans, vintage rock band tee and a trilby. People might think I’m Kate Moss??
I’m literally in a state of panic as I either need to be disciplined and commit to something or invest in a new summer wardrobe which I’m sure Mr A would love (I’ve already gone overboard on Baba’s summer clobber and apparently I have plenty of nice dresses I can take. By this he means those vile maxi dresses that I wore throughout my pregnancy which made me look like a 5 man tent.)
So I’ve decided on cutting out carbs/junk food/wine/caffeine (Things I love more than my husband) and that I will commit to at least 20 mins of ‘light exercise’ a day in the hope I might shift a couple of inches.
To celebrate my new plan of action or ‘Operation fit for frocks’ as I like to call it; I am cooking a ‘last supper’ if you will which will be packed full of all my favourite things and polished off with a bottle of plonk.
The hard work starts tomorrow.